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IS THIS WHAT YOU REALLY WANT?
I am laying in bed going over all the reasons I hate myself: I’m stupid, I’m fat, I’m lazy, I’m a horrible person, I cheated on the only person I will ever be able to love, I can’t do this anymore, if I could close my eyes and disappear and go away forever I would, I’m anxious about everything, all I ever do is think about food and how I’m gonna get rid of it, no one likes me, my bones don’t show enough. I tell myself that I will not binge or purge tomorrow, I promise myself, I cry and tell myself that if I could only weigh 120 pounds life would be perfect, everything would be better, I would be so happy with everything. So tomorrow I just won’t eat, I won’t eat all day and I will lose weight which will be the only thing that can make me happy. I fall asleep with awful thoughts racing through my head. When I wake up in the morning all I can think about is food, I don’t want to eat but I do, I eat all the food that can fit in my stomach, I eat until it hurts, then I vomit until my eyes water, tears pour out from the pressure, my face turns red and patchy, snot won’t stop running down my face, and vomit splashes back up in my face, on my clothes, in my hair, and on to the walls. I have to puke until I taste the stomach acid. Then I look in the mirror all disheveled and tortured, I tell myself how much I hate myself, how I never want to do this again, then I do, I do it again. I can’t make myself stop; I’m trapped in a hell that I’ve created.
Emily Pincock
Who am I?
If you had asked me that last March (3/2007), I would have done my best to define myself, however, it would have been nearly impossible because I honestly had no idea who Courtney Armstrong was. I could have claimed to be happy, but I wasn’t. I could have said I was an athlete, but that too would have been a lie because athletes do not treat their bodies the way I was treating mine. I might have said that I was a daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend or student; however I was not fulfilling any of these roles to the best of my ability. Truthfully, I had lost myself completely in codependent relationships and the most consuming was my relationship with my eating disorder. My days were consumed by thoughts of what I would or would not eat, how I would fit in my excessive amount of exercise, and how much I hated my body. I missed classes because I could not find any clothes in my closet that I thought looked good on me. The classes I did attend I was unable to take notes or pay attention. I spent class time counting calories, planning exercise routines, and coming up with excuses for my friends and boyfriend. I lost out on valuable family time because family vacations became something that I dreaded. I knew it would be impossible to stick to my insane exercise routine around my family; hard to sneak my binge/purges in a hotel room with one bathroom. I found myself using alcohol to escape myself. As I engaged more and more in these behaviors, I began to fade away. Not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well. I numbed myself to the world and desperately tried to convince myself that I was okay. I told myself that this horrible cycle, this dreadful existence was my life and that it was as good as it was going to get. The deeper and deeper that I fell into my disorder, the more and more I felt like I had to persuade others that I was content. I put on such an excellent show that I almost believed it myself. Almost. Soon, my world started to crumble around me. My grades began to suffer. I lost friendships. My parents worried constantly. My health quickly deteriorated as I continued to demand more and more from my body. In an act that would end our relationship, my boyfriend organized an intervention with my parents. At the time, I was furious; however, together they began a process that would save my life.
Together, my parents and I decided that it would be best for me to withdraw from college for the rest of the spring semester. My mom called 17 different treatment facilities and I did patient intake surveys at 4 of them. Every person that I talked to on the phone seemed so impersonal, which made it even easier for me to be distant and numb. Then my mom found La Bonne Maison on the internet, and a woman named Lisa called me. She was warm and friendly, yet brutally honest about the dangers of an eating disorder. She shared her personal story with me and I could see myself in many things that she said. I also saw hope for myself for the first time; an understanding that life did not have to be this way, that I could recover and find true happiness. The next week I boarded a plane to Florida and my life has not been the same since. It’s hard to describe what happened at La Bonne Maison. The supportive environment that Lisa and her family provided for me at a time when my family did not know how to handle my eating disorder broke down the walls I had built around myself. I started talking about something that I had harbored as a secret for years. I cried as I slowly took the masks off that I had been wearing for so long and looked at myself for who I really was. I started to feel again. I learned to be honest with myself and others as I realized that the eating disorder was a symptom of the problem and not the problem itself. The strangest thing began to happen: I started to LIKE me. As I started to like me on the inside, the outside began to look better and better. I left Florida knowing that my eating disorder was something that I would put behind me, confident that I would be able to move on with my life as recovered, however, my story does not stop there.
As I returned home, I started to realize the true miracle of recovery and what I had accomplished. Not only this, but I suddenly had this desire to spread this miracle to others that were suffering. It started with speaking to girls at my old high school. At the end of my presentation on eating disorders, several girls came to talk to me. Speaking with them lit a fire in my heart. I realized that if I could help one person, I felt that the journey through my own personal hell had been worth it. I suddenly understood why Lisa had opened her home to me, why she had spent all those nights pouring her love into me. I knew that I wanted to do the same thing.
This summer, I returned to La Bonne Maison. Though it’s been almost a year and a half since my original stay here, but I can still feel the love and compassion that spills from Lisa. As I began working for her, I started to make connections with the girls in her program. I came to love each and every one of them as we cried and laughed together. These women have showed me their hearts and their souls and I’ve shared mine with them. I am a testament that this program works and returning to La Bonne Maison to give back to the program has been an honor. I hope that I have helped them along their way to recovery; however, what these women have done for me is even more amazing. I have found true fulfillment in helping these women reclaim their lives while breaking away from their eating disorders. I get excited as each one of them completes the program because I know that life is going to be incredibly different, indescribably brighter.
Courtney
Hopeless, scared, unsafe, confused, lying, hurting and on the run from everything in my life and myself is what my life was before I went to La Bonne Maison. I was only 'existing' in my life, and was not living it because I couldn't look at myself in the mirror and be ok with who and what I saw. My life had been consumed by ED since I was 16 years old. ED was my best friend, and the only thing I trusted in the world. ED had me convinced that I was not going to be free and this is the way my life was going to be lived. ED had all the answers for me to every problem, and to my traumatic past. ED was my life, and the amazing people in my life, even my husband came second to ED and our life together. My everyday was consumed with lying to everybody I knew so I could spend my time binging and purging instead of with my husband, friends and family. I never was present for life responsibilities and I spent whole paychecks on food, and made up lies as to how all that money
disappeared, so I could use it to buy binge food, and hide it from my husband. I would stay up all night in order to have more time to binge and purge, and became distant with my husband because I hated myself and my body and was convinced I wasn't worth the love he had for me. It didn't matter where I was or what I was doing, ED had control of my life. I had been to other residential treatments a total of 3 times, and never got the help that I needed there, I was a "patient" not a person and I was never ready or able to say goodbye to ED in that environment. My life, and health as well as my future with my husband and the hope of having children was in jeopardy because of ED, and while part of me wanted to recover, I was hopeless I would find a place that would have what I need to recover. With the convincing of my therapist and my nutritionist at home I agreed to start looking for treatment again, I was very hesitant because I refused to go to a traditional treatment
facility I had tried that and knew it was going to be a waste of time. Upon looking I came across Lisa's website and immediately began to feel hopeful that La Bonne Maison was going to be the place for me to heal and find recovery. I know this sounds crazy, but the minute I talked to Lisa I knew she was going to change my life. She made me feel safe, and worked her magic to get me on a plane to Florida, to La Bonne Maison.
On April 29th 2008 I began my journey in recovery and have not looked back since. As soon as I walked through the doors at La Bonne Maison I began to heal from my past and for the first time since I was 16 years old I had hope for my life and my future, and for once it did not include ED. It is hard to put into words my amazing experience and the transformation I went through during my time at La Bonne Maison. My time was filled with crying, heard work, healing, laughter, some fun and meeting the most amazing people in the process, who helped change my life for the better. I shared things, worked through things and went through one of the worst days of my life while I was there, but the whole time I felt safe, and supported by everyone around me, especially Lisa. I was never judge by my individual process, I needed to go through, only supported and guided I was in charge of my recovery process. As I removed all of the lies from my life, and confronted issues I was to
ashamed and scared to deal with before, my journey in recovery became real, and the real me, the person behind ED was there, and I actually learned that I like who I am, and learned that life is way more than ED lead me to believe. I realized I deserve life, and I deserve to live for me, not anyone else and that most importantly I deserve the love that my husband has for me. I use the tools and life lessons I learned there every single day and I left La Bonne Maison with a home away from home, new friends, a new family, and they will forever be a part of my heart and my life.
Today, I live, I don't just exist, and I have the life I pictured before ED entered my life. My everyday is consumed with love, laughter, family, friends and responsibilities that I now show up for. ED and I are no longer friends and on occasion when he tries to pop back into my life, with a little bit of help along the way I am strong enough to kick him out. Recovery is number one in my life and I have come to terms and know that is the way it has to be, I do what I need to do to stay in recovery which includes therapy appointments and monthly visits to my nutritionist and doctors. I am able to live and show up for things that I couldn't before, and now know my future with my husband, and our future family is a reality that ED will not be a part of. I only have people in my life who love me for me, and are supportive of my recovery. All the lies are gone and I can look in the mirror and be content with who I am as a wife, a friend and most importantly a person.
Recovery is an individualized process, and I was able to go through that at La Bonne Maison with help along the way from an amazing woman, Lisa who created this program, and changed my life. Getting on the plan to Florida was the first day of my new life, and I am forever grateful that I was given the chance and the opportunity to go to La Bonne Maison, and my hope is that anyone who wants to live a life free from ED can experience the process I did at La Bonne Maison.
With love and hope,
Bri
*Bri!*
"Some people come into our lives
and leave footprints on our hearts
and we are never ever the same"
Lisa,
All I can say is , thank you, thank you for saving my life. I know God put you in my path for a reason and I am so very grateful that he did. I feel so blessed to be with you and your family. Lisa you made me feel like a part of your family and I thank you for that because god knows how much I miss mine. I cant believe tomorrow this chapter of my life comes to an end, it seems like just yesturday I was a timid insecure girl getting off the flight. Thanks to you I have grown so much and I really dont think I could have became the person I am at this very moment without you. You taught me so many important and vital things. Who would have guessed I would ever be a hugger, well I'm getting there. There's so many things I want to tell you but really all you need to know is how truly grateful I am for you. You are like the big sister I never had but always wanted. . I hate having to say good bye so I will say see ya.
I want you to know that I will beat ED. I will live this amazing life God has planned for me and I just have to again thank you for that. I love you and I will miss you! "I'll miss you while I take care of myself". I cant wait to you come and visit me. I hope one day I will be able to follow in your footsteps and help girls like me find their way. Lisa you are an incredible person I look up to you and admire the strength, compassion and all out love you possess. Never doubt what you're doing is the right thing because without La Bonne Maison my life would still be lost. I'm so scared to go home but thanks to you I feel ready to face my fears head on and put Ed where he needs to be..in the past! I will always have a part of you with me. I will always remember the life altering moments, the tears and the laughter, and the pain that almost took my life and the pride and gratitude that it didn't. Thanks for the love, friendship, and the life long memories you gave me. I will always have a special place for you in my heart, my very own angel sent to save my life. Love you, Lisa
Marshall
More available upon request.
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